I am pregnant and, as if I do not already vent to anyone in earshot, I feel the need to vent it here on my blog, as well. I am thinking maybe if I vent here I will stop complaining so much to people who actually have to listen. You can stop reading now, if you like but they just have to listen or walk away.*
*this may be worth reading after all as I have had some revelations while writing it.
This is baby boy number 2
I feel somewhat guilty in hating to be pregnant for several reasons. The latest one being a sweet family who has a little 1 lb 12 oz baby boy fighting for his life on a ventilator. I have dear friends who have had miscarriages and suffer from other fertility issues. All of these are awful, there is no doubt. In fact, if I were not carrying this child to term I would feel even more awful than I do physically. I know that for certain. So, why do these things not sink into my brain when I am complaining about what realistically, is just a lot of discomfort?
I am a selfish person who has not lived with enough discomfort in life to understand what it truly is. Realize when I say this, my life has not been perfect. In fact, I dealt with a great deal of garbage in my late teens and early twenties as well as a few other things in life. But, I have a wonderful, loving and supportive family and always have had. I made a lot of stupid decisions that led to a lot of the garbage and yet through it all I still have experienced the grace and mercy of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. And a lot of other good has come from the dark places.
BUT, I do not know what it is like to be starving for days at a time or to live in a place with a dirt floor and thatch roof. I have NO idea what it feels like to hear gunfire and bombs going off in my city on a regular basis or to fear that the local police force may come into my house, kidnap my husband, hurt my children and rape me. I do not know what it is like not to have the freedom to worship my God in a public place for anyone to see for fear of being put in prison and tortured or killed. I do not know the reality of living in a country where the church you happen to be affiliated with is the one that people throw bombs into.
So, I have a child, who happens to be a blessing, stretching out his little self inside me where there is no longer room to do that. So, he feels the need to be a Kung Fu fighter in there at 2 am. I have not had a good nights sleep in a few weeks. I have heartburn almost 24/7 with no relief. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my belly hurts, and a lot of the time my behind hurts. I feel simultaneously hungry and full most of the time. In the big picture while I have a hard time seeing the "joys of pregnancy" I can not wait for the end result and as I reflect on true suffering I know I need to suck it up and realize that I have never, at this point in my life, experienced what true suffering is. And for that I am MORE than thankful. And for the blessing that this little man is and will be in my life and, I hope, the lives of others I can do nothing less than thank God for allowing me the privilege of being his and his big brother's mommy.
Isn't he just the sweetest little thing?!
Encouragement For The Week
4 hours ago